In the midst of our fertility journey I had an awakening moment.
When we get caught up in our thinking we detach ourselves from our true selves. We are focussed on external things; what people think, worries, concerns etc, which we can experience as feelings such as sadness, anxiety or fear. We are only ever feeling our thinking, our emotions are a result of our thoughts whether we are conscious of them or not.
The author Napoleon Hill uses the term ‘drifting’ for being stuck in our thinking. I related to this as I can look back and see how I had been ‘drifting’ through life.
After 8 years of infertility we thought we would be able to conceive naturally and we tried for a baby and after about 18 months of nothing happening I had my first test. It was disastrous. Up until that point I held on to a sense of hope. I truly believed it would happen for us. In the moment I registered the words from the doctor, I lost all hope.
However looking back it was both the best and worst thing that could have happened to me. It was an awakening moment when I recognised life was racing by. I was angry and jealous that people seemed to get what they wanted in life and I didn’t.
However it was also a catalyst to recognising how I had been drifting in life. Life was racing by and I had been so focussed on external things to make me happy, that I had lost my connection with myself, my soul and my innate wellbeing.
I was in a very well paid and successful career but I realised I had drifted into it. I couldn’t remember ever stopping and taking a step back and thinking what I wanted to do with my life, what fills me with joy and doing what makes me happy. Even through school I was too busy worrying what people thought of me and managing their expectations to be aware of what I wanted in life.
I was unconsciously seeking happiness without knowing where to look – which resulting in drifting. I was looking in the wrong place because I was looking for it through work, relationships, religion etc., when it is inside us all the time. I was telling myself having a baby was a sign of a blessing and meant we were going to move into a new season of our lives, a time of happiness.
The thing is, we are born with innate wellbeing and a sense of happiness. When we stop looking outside, trust ourselves and seek within we find ourselves again. We tune into who we are, our passions, our talents and can begin to live life with a sense of intention rather than drifting. It also brings a sense of peace of mind even in the midst of difficult circumstances such as the fertility journey.
Take a moment to focus on your breathing and centre yourself. Be aware of the length and pace of your breath. Let your awareness move into your body. If your intuition could speak to you now, what would it say?