Following on from my previous blog on the reality how our emotional needs are often not met on the infertility journey I want to explore more with you the nature of feelings themselves. Back then I did not understand the effectiveness of hypnosis so did it the hard way! Understanding the nature and purpose of emotions can help you let go of them and move to more of a place of wellbeing.
Emotions are there to communicate to you. If you ignore them they get louder, their job has not been done. Behind an emotions is one of two things, an emotional need not being met of a thought that is not serving you (or actually true). We shall explore these another time. However the key thing is that emotions are neither ‘good’ or ‘bad’ that are indications of something underneath that we need to deal with (emotional need not being met) or let go of (unhelpful thinking). So, the more you ignore it the louder it gets as needs to do it’s job in informing you of what needs to happen for your wellbeing.
Sometimes we bury emotions and ignore them because we see them as too painful or difficult and just want them to go away. Sometimes when this happens it could be because there are previous similar emotions that are also buried. Not wanting to open a can of worms it can be easy to add to the ignore list hoping it will all go away.
I came to the realisation I had a dustbin with a heavy brick on the lid with lots of emotions I was burying the anger and sadness of our journey was touching on the same emotions of what I had (unconsciously) put in my bin so naturally I avoided these feelings, avoided feeling the grief, sadness and anger.
My wife was processing her emotions and it was clear I was not. I suddenly became aware I was not really feeling anything. I had glimpses of feelings but most of the time I was not in touch with them. I filled my life with distractions (such as work, internet, thinking) to avoid the feelings. One day I decided I couldn’t go on like this, it wasn’t helping me, my wife or our relationship. I took myself off to a convent for a week on a (almost) silent retreat. This was not something I had ever done before however I somehow knew it was what I needed to do. I needed to strip away the distractions of life and be with myself for long enough to identify and accept these feelings.
One day at the convent whilst I was sitting in the gardens a nun came out and brought me a very young rabbit. The gardens were littered with rabbits from the surrounding fields and it was a joy to watch them go about their business. This young rabbit had been caught by one of the convent cats. It was still alive, an although there were no visible wounds it was clearly distressed and wasn’t moving much. She asked me to see if was OK and perhaps to find a safe place for it to recover.
As I sat there holding this beautiful little fury bundle it felt like a real privilege to be holding a wild baby rabbit. I suddenly felt an outpouring of love for this rabbit. I felt heartbroken that it might die alone, without it’s mother or any other loved ones. I know this is transferring human emotions on to an animal however it was my internal response to the situation and was clearly touching something deep inside.
After some time I started to accept that it probably wasn’t going to make it and I ought to find somewhere safe for it to be and either recover or die. I sat there and sobbed by heart out tears falling on to it’s soft fur. I could tell it was an outpouring of sadness and anger for what part of me feels like a lack of love and attention I received as a child. The brick had come off my bin lid and the lid had been opened…
For the rest of my time at the convent I became more aware of my feeling about all sorts of areas of my life. Being in a job that was not fulfilling, infertility, my past. For the first time I accepted my feelings, my unhappiness at work, my anger and the pain of infertility. My life felt barren and empty and full of things that I didn’t enjoy.
It was only in recognising and accepting the reality of the situation could I begin to move on. I came away from that time beginning to find a sense of peace about life and even infertility. That doesn’t mean I had given up all hope or no longer wanted children, far from it, but I felt more peaceful about being to have a fulfilled life whatever happens. I know that sounds impossible but believe me, it can be done.
I am not one who believes you have to ‘weep and wail’ to let go and move on, in fact there is a danger we can get swallowed up by the emotion and get stuck wallowing in it. I have helped hundreds of people let go of buried ‘hidden’ emotions, from a place where they feel ‘stuck’ to a place of peace and wellbeing in a very quick and gentle way. This is by letting go of the thinking behind the emotion. For me there was a thought that I wasn’t loved/accepted behind the pain and sadness. Whether it was true or not, me holding on to the thought was continuing my experience of it. Looking back I so wish I had been aware of the power of hypnosis and hypnotherapy to help move on and change my current experience. The good news is that you do if you want it!