As we know infertility is a roller-coaster of emotions. All emotions including stress are there to communicate something to us, this includes both emotions we label as ‘nice’ such as happiness, contentment, joy and those we label as ‘negative’ such as anger, pain or stress.
They are there to signal one of two things – whether our emotional needs are not being met or our thinking is not serving us.
Let’s take a look at the emotional needs first
For example, if your talking to your partner and you start to feel angry with them because you think they are not listening it could be a signal that your need to be understood is not being met.
Or perhaps you are feeling jealous that people around you are having babies without thought, this could be a need for you to be treated justly by the life/universe/God and you think it is not fair or just you are currently having difficulties getting pregnant and have to experience the hell that is infertility when most other people don’t.
Another example could be if you feel frustrated that your partner has left their clothes all over the house that could be a signal that your need to live in a tidy orderly environment is not being met.
Exploring what the need is behind the feeling can then help you work our what you need to do to have it met. Once you have identified your need to be listened to and understood you can calmly say to your partner ‘I have a need to be understood is it possible for you to stop what you are doing and look at me whilst we are talking so I can be sure you understand what I am saying?‘ We shall explore more how understanding needs can help you in your communication with others, particularly your partner at another time.
Or it could be your thinking
However it may not be a need that is not being met, it may well be as a result of your thinking and not reality. Your thinking paints a picture of reality that is not true, however it is convincing and believable and we forget it is just thought. It is so believable that we start to think about what we need to do about that ‘reality’ and before we know it one thought has led to another and we are telling ourselves all sorts of stories that are not true – but in the midst of it, it is our reality.
For example, if your boss is short with you, you make think that you have done something wrong or that they are angry with you. You don’t actually know that is the case. Perhaps they have just had an argument with their partner on the phone before coming to speak with you. We can often tell ourselves all sorts of things that are plausible and believable. Before you know it you are feeling rubbish because you think you are in trouble or you think your boss thinks poorly of you.
Another example is that if a client cancels at short notice, I have a choice of what I make of that. I could start thinking they are not happy with the support they are getting and let self doubt creep in. The truth is if they haven’t said I have no idea why they cancelled so I can let my thinking go and continue with our default setting of peace and wellbeing. It is our thoughts that take us away from that place when we start telling ourselves all sorts of stories that we believe.
So, next time you are aware of an emotion you would rather not be feeling take a moment to understand it more fully. The means accepting it rather than resisting it. Listen to it and what it behinf it. Perhaps there is a need that is not being met or a story you are telling yourself you can let go of.