I was recently reflecting on an experience and using the analogy of going on a rollercoaster as a way of explaining how I felt. It was nothing to do with fertility. When I think about going on a rollercoaster I get the feelings of anticipation, excitement, fear, adrenalin and uncertainty. I started question why we use the term so frequently within fertility.
Yes I can understand how it graphically describes the emotional ups and downs the journey can bring. Boy, are there ups, and boy are there downs on the journey! However the feelings I get when I think about going on a rollercoaster, are not really reflective of the feelings and experiences I had during our fertility journey.
Yes there were times of anticipation, excitement and adrenaline, but they seemed to be fleeting moments compared to the pain, stress, helplessness, hopelessness and grief.
The laws of gravity define that a rollercoaster must have just as many ups and downs, however the rollercoaster of fertility often seems to have far more downs than ups!
The thing is, we are not on a physical rollercoaster. It is an emotional rollercoaster. And emotions are caused by our thinking. It is our thinking that takes us up and then down again, often as quickly as falling from the highest rollercoaster. You are only ever feeling your thinking.
You can’t get off the physical rollercoasters in the middle of the ride. But you can begin to see the true nature of thought. Thoughts and not truth. They are stories you tell yourself about the future (perhaps based on the past) but they are not truth.
I remember one particular day when the wife and I just had no sense of hope left. We had lost all hope. My thinking was telling me that I will never be happy, content and fulfilled and it just wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. I was in pain and angry.
A dear friend held us (physically) in our grief and told us sometimes we don’t see the bigger picture of life, we never know what life is going to bring in the future. Without knowing it, she was challenging the stories we were telling ourselves. She had lost her husband and could relate to our grief.
Steve Jobs talked about not being able to join the dots in life looking forward. It is only looking back we can see how the dots join up. He made decisions acting on his instinct, his inner wisdom. At times there was no logical reason why he was doing these things but it felt right for him at the time. And then years later looking back, it was then he could see how it all fell into place. They were all pieces in the jigsaw of his life.
An example of this is when he dropped out of college. He started doing a calligraphy course, for the hell of it. It seemed like a good idea at the time and he thought he would enjoy it. A few years later he was making computers. Apple computers were the only computers that took typography seriously, they had beautiful fonts. This is why they became so successful with media industries.
My advice to you is to stop looking too far forward. Let go of the stories your thinking is creating in your head. They take you away from the here and now. Letting go of them enables you to tune back into the here and now, your inner wisdom, peace of mind, and your body (the best doctor you can have).
It is then you can start to find a deep sense of well-being, of innate health and inner wisdom. You’ll start to be aware of the next breadcrumb/dot of your journey and you’ll look back and see how it has quietly led you to the sense of inner peace and fulfilment you crave, more quickly than you imagine.