Our fertility journey highlighted the fact I found it very difficult to identify (and thus share) my feelings. Partly because they were so buried. I realised I had painful feelings from the past that I had placed into a bin and put a big brick on it. I cut off from my emotions as a way of preventing myself from feeling those feelings I didn’t want to feel. I wasn’t consciously aware of this until well in to our journey and upon learning the tools and techniques to help me identify and share my feelings.
Another reason why I didn’t express my feelings was because I thought I had to be the ‘strong one’. Hold back my fears, doubts and grief to be strong for my wife, to be the brick I thought she needed. Turns out that’s not what she wanted at all. She wanted me to be present emotionally, share my deepest feelings, fear and emotions. It is only when we share our feelings we connect at a deeper emotional level and feel united on the journey.
A study in Sweden showed how the stress of infertility can affect a relationship and how the state of a relationship can have an impact on fertility. It can become a negative vicious cycle if we are not careful.
We often think we are sharing feelings when we are actually sharing thoughts. Thoughts are judgements rather than an emotional response to a situation. For example ‘I feel unappreciated’ is not actually a feeling. It’s a thought/judgement. The feeling behind it might be anger, sadness, disillusionment or something else
Another reason why I didn’t express my feelings was because I thought I had to be the ‘strong one’. Hold back my fears, doubts and grief to be strong for my wife, to be the brick I thought she needed. Turns out that’s not what she wanted at all. She wanted me to be present emotionally, share my deepest feelings, fear and emotions. It is only when we share our feelings we connect at a deeper emotional level and feel united on the journey.
A Electronic Cigarette study in Sweden showed how the stress of infertility can affect a relationship and how the state of a relationship can have an impact on fertility. It can become a negative vicious cycle if we are not careful.
We often think we are sharing feelings when we are actually sharing thoughts. Thoughts are judgements rather than an emotional response to a situation. For example ‘I feel unappreciated’ is not actually a feeling. It’s a thought/judgement. The feeling behind it might be anger, sadness, disillusionment or something else.
As a rule of thumb ‘If you can say “I think…” instead of “I feel…”, then it’s a thought and not a feeling.’ i.e. “I think you’re wrong” makes sense (instead of “I feel you’re wrong”), so you’ve actually expressed a thought/judgement/opinion and not a feeling. But “I think happy” doesn’t make sense, so that’s really a genuine feeling. This however doesn’t work all of the time.
Sharing thoughts (judgements) can often be heard as criticism or taken personally which can then lead our partner to get caught up in their thinking. The result can be a less than loving exchange.
Sharing feelings involves being open, honest and vulnerable. Judgements keep people at a distance and often create resentment between a couple.
Although I do believe we over generalise between men and women, in my personal and clinical experience in the world of infertility, more often than not, it’s the men who struggle to identify and share their feelings more than women.
Perhaps this is because men are less used to sharing at an emotional level than women. Like me they tend to think they need to be the strong one on the journey. This hold’s them back from expressing their feelings and emotions, in fear of increasing the burden on their partner.
So be sure you are sharing feelings with your partner and not thoughts/judgements. Feelings that you own, not generalisations.
What is the most frustrating thing about your relationship/communication/partner? Tell me, I would love to know so I make sure to provide future content that covers those issues.
with love
