I love it when I watch a film I could watch over and over again. We only own a handful of DVDs as there are very few films like that, plenty I loved and could watch again but not many I feel inclined to own. Over the last week I have had some wonderful insights and coaching from a variety of sources. I had a session with one mentor which was very enlightening and helpful. I also watched a film that I really could watch over and over again. I would like to share some of these with you as I think they are relevant to fertility and the fear of not having (more) children.
I feel stuck in one area of my life. It is a similar feeling I had on our fertility journey. I was asked a great question by my mentor – was I afraid of letting go of the past or afraid of the future? Having learnt to listen with feeling I knew I wasn’t to ‘work it out’, my feelings in response to the question would let me know. It was clear – I was afraid of the future (with respect this specific thing).
When it comes to fertility often people are scared about not being happy or fulfilled in the future without children, I know I was. They have a deep yearning to be a parent and cannot imagine a fulfilled life without having their own children. Fear of the future because all they can see is un-fulfilment, their peers ‘moving on with life’ and leaving them behind.
This thinking is a classic happiness trap where we think we will not be happy without x, y or z. Some people think they won’t be happy until they are driving a particular car, or think driving a particular car will make them happy. Some people think they won’t be happy until they have their ideal job or the promotion they are seeking. The things is when we get these things too often we find that they do not bring the satisfaction we thought they would. This is because it is an ‘outside-in’ approach to life. Society tells us we need x, y, z to feel happy and secure and our thoughts believe it. Happiness and security can only come from within. When we let go of our thinking, the stories we tell ourselves of what we ‘need’ to be happy we find out default state of peace and wellbeing.
Let’s look at an example. I can picture my ideal house, I would love to build a straw bale round house. If I imagine what having this would give me, it can provide an insight as to why I want it. I think by having build my own house I can imagine a life free from mortgages which gives me a sense of security and peace. So what I am actually wanting is a sense of security. Of course the house in itself is not going to give this. I could ask myself what is it with my current thinking that means I am feeling insecure in some way? Part of me is fearful about the future, resulting in a feeling insecurity. This is a story I am telling myself which part of me is believing. When I let go of those thoughts I find a sense of wellbeing and security.
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with wanting things, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be pregnant. There was nothing I wanted more in the world than to be a father. What I am saying is that look at what is behind that wanting, do you think it will give you a sense of purpose or fulfilment? On our fertility journey I got to a stage where I could imagine us being fulfilled and happy without our own children. It didn’t stop me from wanting to have our own and hear someone call me ‘Daddy’ but it was from a place of peace and acceptance rather than desperation. I truly believe you can get to that place as well. It is from this place your mind and body can relax and begin to enjoy life more and more which means it is more likely to happen.
So, the film? The film was The Peaceful Warrior which is based on the book the Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. It is a wonderful story full of wisdom on how to do exactly that, let go of our thoughts and find a sense of peace and wellbeing in the present, live more ‘inside-out’, rather than ‘outside-in’.