It was make or break.
Either my faced my feelings in order to feel them and share them or I could see us moving further apart, not closer together.
Avoiding my feelings was to protect me from pain.
Protected from pain by not accepting reality.
The reality of our childlessness, after eight years of a series of emotional marathons.
The reality of my test result shattering any remnant hope I was holding on to.
Hope for a new season for us. Surely we deserved that after all we had been through?
Surely? Don’t we deserve a little happiness in our life?
No, I forgot, I don’t get the good things & happiness others get.
My very well paid job, the most wonderful dog companion in the world, three international holidays a year, a loving supportive community…forgotten.
Forgotten because I was living a pleasurable life not a contented & meaningful life.
All I could see is the continuation of the wilderness we were in and had been in for so long.
It was getting exhausting, draining & empty. An empty vegetable plot summed up my life: barren.
I took myself away. Away from everything and everyone. Just me, plenty of time to be with me.
The past and the present.
A strange thing happened. The vegetable plot became a place of potential.
What had changed? My test results? My job? My past?
I opened the bucket of pent up emotions, I sobbed like a child, grieved for past and present. I became aware of the thinking behind these feelings.
‘I don’t get the good things & happiness others get.’ Just thought.
You are only ever feeling your thinking.
I found a place of peace, without giving up.
Your thinking is not truth. Any thought that is not in the present moment is not reality.
Thinking is a brass band playing in your head.
Drowning out the still soft flute of inner peace and wisdom – which is always there. It is like the sun behind the blue clouds. It never goes away.
It is our default emotional state when we tune out of our thinking.
Just sometimes the thinking is too loud.
My thinking gets quite loud at times, at times I still fall for it’s illusions of truth. But then I recognise I am just in my thinking (or feeling my thinking).
My wisdom and inner peace is in my stomach.
It told me we are going to be OK.
What does it say to you now?
Post it below in the comments because it makes it more real when you declare it.